I will hide beneath the shadow of Your wings
until this violent storm has past.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who will fulfill His purpose for me.
Psalm 57v 1a-2
Life can take a sudden turn so quickly. I had been looking forward to explaining to you all the reason my blog has been rather quiet lately is because I've been feeling so ill. Ill with awful nausea and fatigue because God had blessed us with another little miracle growing in 'the secret place'. I have been stripped of that joy though and instead write to tell you that our precious baby's spirit has left his/her body and gone to heaven to be with Jesus. The baby's body still lies still within me and I do not know when the day of delivery will be. I hope it will be soon. My heart is broken for the loss of another child.
I was 11 weeks into the pregnancy when I saw, with my own eyes, my baby's chest with no movement. The sonographer confirmed the baby was not alive and I sobbed and sobbed. My heart felt as though it had been pulled out of my chest and crushed to bits. My baby was no longer with me. The painful memories it brought back of the loss we had 2 years ago with our dear son Uzziah... looking at the screen and knowing it was all over. How could this be happening to me again; why is this happening to me again!? I cried so hard on the journey home I gave myself a headache. I didn't understand and there are no words to describe the pain.
I knew I was going to have to tell the children that the baby had died. I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk through that conversation. It filled me with great sorrow just thinking about it. Of course the time had to come and it did... God gave me the strength I needed. I showed the boys the scan picture and told them that I had very sad news to tell them. I said that our precoius baby had died and had gone to heaven. Caden, my eldest, started to cry. I explained that we don't know why but that we do know that God loves us and for some reason He has decided that this was what was best. I told them it was okay to be sad and to cry. At that Caden started to sob and I held him in my arms. All the boys were so sad. We managed to break a painful smile thinking about Uzziah and this baby being together and that we'd see them one day.
Later that day, at the boys bed time, little Quinn was praying and said, "God, please put the baby back in mummy's tummy!" Such heartache to hear these words of grief from my 4 yr old. In a similar act of expression, the next day Charlie came and gave me a cuddle. He proceeded to stroke and kiss my tummy, perhaps out of habit. He told me, "mummy I just kissed the baby", I replied that that was nice. He then dropped his shoulders, tilted his head, sighed and asked... "mummy... why does a heart stop bleeping?"
Life is so precious and when it is taken from us, along with immense grief, there are often many questions. I am finding that to be especially so with this loss and I think that that is perhaps because of how this little baby's story began. Alex and I had thought after the birth of our last child back in Sept 2010 that that would probably be it for us. I had had a difficult pregnancy and along with the grief we carried from Uzziah's pregnancy we both felt that we couldn't keep putting ourselves through more pregnancies. Over the summer, however, Alex and I felt convicted that we were not being open to more children. We did a lot of praying and a lot of studying. The more we prayed about it the more we felt that God was leading us to have another baby. We listened to God's calling on our life at that time and God blessed us with this pregnancy straight away. I think because God asked us so specifically to have this child it makes it all the more difficult to accept and understand that He has taken the baby home. It doesn't make sense in my simple little human brain. How could this have been what God wanted us to go through? How could this have been His plan?
"for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Issiah 55 v 8-9
Several days before I learned that our baby had died God had reminded me of a verse that I haven't been able to get out of my mind all week - And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. Romans 8v28
No matter how it feels to me now, seeing things through my eyes, God is working in my life for my good. It the midst of my grief it is very hard for me to see how this outcome is what is best, but I know it is true because I know the Bible to be true. I can trust God entirely and draw comfort from His promises.
For He loves us with unfailing love; the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord! Psalm 117v2
I do not know if God will answer me with why or for what purpose He has allowed us to suffer through this time, but in the midst of my grief this is what God told me Saturday morning - "Daughter, if you had not obeyed me, this precious child I sent to you would not have existed and therefore would not have eternity in heaven with me." This utterly floored me and so deeply encouraged my heart. Because of our obedience our child has an eternity with Christ which s/he would not have otherwise had. We will meet this child one day and we will be able worship God together with him/her. How precious to think of these things and how grievous to think that if we had not listened to God we would have denied this child eternity.
Please listen to this song
it is beautiful and speaks my heart.
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty
This I declare of the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
He is my God, and I am trusting Him.
Psalm 91 v 1-2
