This will not be an easy post for me, but I feel a nagging in my heart that I should share the following.
Lately life has been a real struggle for me - that is so not easy to admit.
I like to pretend that I've got everything sorted and that I'm managing life with ease. I like to pretend that I'm super mum with perfect hair and make up (haha who am I kidding), a perfect house and that I'm on top of all the washing, cleaning, cooking, teaching, tiding, ironing, gardening, organizing, researching, planning etc, etc. In reality, most days.. I'm struggling to keep up with all of the above. The reality is I'm lucky to have a shower in the morning let alone do my hair and make up. The reality is that there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day or enough energy in my body to do my to do list. The reality is I get up in the morning ready to fight the day and 2 hours later I'm already loosing the battle.
Overwhelmed says it all. Every day feels like a failure.. every day another failed attempt. I hate failing and I hate not meeting my expectations for myself. I hate letting my kiddies down (even if they don't know it) or letting my hubby down. Schooling the 3 boys (2 of which can't read yet) all on different grades, 1 yr apart, while looking after a crawling, into everything baby is far from the easiest task I've taken on. There are days where my patience and energy are pushed beyond what I have.
Days where I feel like I'm gasping for air.
The reason I have written this down, isn't because I wanted to whine about it or because I'm crying out for help, but because when I started this blog I wrote about walking together through the good and the bad. The good or fun stuff is so easy to write about, but the hard things are really tough to share. They're hard because they mean admitting that I'm struggling.. that my heart isn't in the right place, or my perspective is wrong. It means admitting that I fail and sometimes miserably. This post is about me admitting that I'm in a hard place right now... I don't feel it should be, but it is. It's about trying to be okay with other people knowing more of the real me.. struggles and all. It's about growing my character because at the end of the day that's what matters. I heard it once said that your character is what you are behind closed doors and that your reputation is what you are out in the open. I've mentioned before how I care far too much about what other people think and that is why this post is difficult for me, but I'm really trying to overcome this fear of man and so I guess this post is partly about that too.
I know that this time in my life is all part and parcel of God growing my character and my understanding of Him. It's all part and parcel of that journey that He has so carefully mapped out for me to walk to equip me for the future. He is moulding me as a potter moulds his clay or as a fire refines gold.
At times like these I like to think about Paul's words of encouragement in Philippians 1v6:
And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.
This verse reminds me how faithful and gracious He is.
My heart is His and I know this time is for my good. Knowing this doesn't make achieving my daily goals/tasks any easier, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll shed less tears, but it does give it all purpose and I know, as the author of Ecclesiastes writes - there is a season for all things... a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance...
I will fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I will pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give me a mighty inner strength through His Holy Spirit. I will face tomorrow ready to fight, ready to grow and trusting in Him to get me through.
Having said all the above I will just add one more thing and that is that I LOVE my job as mummy. I feel so very blessed with the family I have. I also love teaching my kiddies at home.. it's not easy right now, but I still love it.. I love watching them grow and develop and I wouldn't change that for anything. I'm so, so thankful that I live in a country where I can freely choose to educate my children at home.