Fresh Eyes and a Lifted Spirit

I wrote last week and opened my heart to the struggles I have in trying achieving everything at the moment.  I just wanted to write and say thank you for all the beautiful and kind messages I was sent one way or another.  My heart was deeply touched and very encouraged.  Some of you shared your own struggles with me and I have been very blessed by that - thank you!  Through the process of sharing with you, I found that a heavy burden was lifted.  A burden I didn't even know I was carrying.  It turned out that the goals I was setting myself, my expectations for myself and the reputation I was trying to build for myself was quite a heavy weight to carry and in the end I buckled under it's weight. A weight I was never designed to carry.


This past week God has been doing so much in my heart. He showed me that my feelings of being overwhelmed and my feelings of failure were rooted in where I was trying to draw my satisfaction from. I came to realize that I was trying to draw my satisfaction from my earthly accomplisments, in this case, my to do list.  It all became so overwhelming because I wasn't able to meet my expectations.. finish my goals.. get through that to do list etc etc.  I wasn't achieving that satisfaction at the end of the day.  I was setting myself up for despair!  My satisfactions need to be founded in God, He who is the same yesterday, today and forever... they need to be founded in my faith.  

A few days ago I read this by Anthony Wade:
"Faith is the glue that holds our satisfaction together. Praise is important to enjoy God’s presence, and prayer is important to develop the relationship with God that He wants with us, but without faith, neither will provide satisfaction. Faith is what removes the doubt that our flesh has.
The New Testament tells us:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

I had it in my head that it was a bad thing for me to be struggling and that that made me a failure.  I had it in my head that others could do better than me at the job I am attempting to do.  I was thinking about women who seem to cope with so much more than what is on my plate - nothing like healthy dose of unhealthy comparisons! :S  Thing is.. all these thoughts and questions are the wrong thoughts and questions and are only damaging.  I put so much pressure on myself to excel in everything I do and make myself feel that I should be able to accomplish it with ease.  Where on earth did I get that idea from?  Where in the Bible does it say that the duties of life will come with ease if you are a Godly woman?  I'm sitting here shaking my head at myself as I write out in words what I was thinking in my head!  Madness!  God has been teaching me it's OK to struggle.. it's not wrong and it doesn't make me a failure!  When we're struggling we lean on the Lord all the more because we have to and therefore, we learn more about Him and experience a growth in our personal walk with Him.  


  Last week was the eruption of feelings that had been brewing for a month or 2. I wasn't dealing with the feelings of failure, I wasn't taking them to the Lord.  I was carrying the load alone and I am way to weak to be able to do that. If you'd asked me, "where should your draw your satisfaction from?"  I would have, without hesitation, said "the Lord". But that knowledge was not acting out in my daily life.  I get frustrated that I need to be reminded of things I already know, but I guess that just makes me human and my closest friends will tell you that my memory isn't exactly the best!  :S

Thank you all again for being there for me!