Sunday, 6 June 2010

Bit of an uphill struggle

I'm sitting here in my rocking chair, enjoying the refreshing evening breeze flowing in through my bedroom window. My growing baby bump and I are doing well and I'm so thankful that we reached the 24 week milestone last Sunday. :O)

(25 weeks)

I have to confess that this pregnancy has been an uphill struggle for me in every way possible - emotionally, physically and even spiritually.
The week I found out I was pregnant again was among the most emotional weeks of my life. It was only 3 months after I had lost my precious little Uzziah and I felt such a mixture of feelings. Scared.. would it happen again? Guilty.. I didn't want people to think I was replacing Uzziah, Grief... O I was just so full of grief! I missed my little boy and the 'would have beens' more than ever and being pregnant again seemed to make everything feel more intense and more painful. I felt so bad for how I felt.

A close friend of mine also had her baby that same week - she had a little boy and although I really, genuinely couldn't have been happier for her, it broke my heart. I went to see this precious gift when he was only 1 day old.. I don't know how I got through that visit without balling my eyes out - my heart felt like it was being starved of blood flow. How was I even breathing? The grief was so intense.

Things improved for me slightly as I grew used to the idea of being pregnant again with another child, but as I became more comfortable with that, so it became more difficult not to worry about the health of this child. The pregnancy symptoms soon set in and by 7 weeks I was feeling really sick and very tired. By 10 weeks I was barely coping with the extreme physical challenges the pregnancy was giving me. I didn't ever feel this awful with my healthy pregnancy's and I couldn't help but let this nag at me with worry. Surely there had to be a reason I was feeling so awful. The 12 week scan couldn't come fast enough - I was praying so hard that I would be able to accept whatever God had decided for me with this pregnancy. As I got up on the table for the scan, I blurted out to the sonographer that I'd lost my last baby and I was pretty much terrified. She was ever so sweet and as soon as the scan began we could see that baby was alive and wriggling around. Everything looked normal and my EDD was even moved forward by 5 days. I was so relieved!

I had thought that having such a positive scan would put a stop to most of my worry and emotional struggle with this pregnancy, but sadly it did not. A couple of weeks after the scan I felt I needed reassuring again, but I did not even have my 20 week scan appointment date through yet. I'm not sure words can describe how long those 5-6 weeks felt! It was helped along by feeling the odd baby kick, but even these were much less frequent and later on then what I had experienced with my others, so again.. this nagged at me and caused me to worry.

Worry, worry, worry!! Would you believe me if I told you that I'm not usually a worrier! ?
In fact, I have shared this verse several times with people who have been worrying and then had to have a friend remind me of it!!

My 20 week scan came and it was an amazing day - full of joy, as the sonographer declared that everything looked healthy! I cried tears of joy as I watched our little one move around - what an overwhelming blessing this child is.

Am I still worrying about loosing this baby? O yes, just 2 nights ago I woke up after a terrible dream that my beautiful little baby had died - it felt so real, and I know part of the reason for that is I now have real feelings to relate to. I've come to the conclusion that the worry will probably not go away until this baby is delivered and safely in my arms.

I find myself asking the question if my faith has weakened - since I find myself worrying so much of the time? I trust God in everything, so why am I worrying? I guess the answer to that is - it's not that I'm worrying how I'll cope if it is God's will for this baby to not live, I know He'll give me the strength to endure whatever happens in my life and it's not that I'm wondering if He'll be there to carry me through - I know He'll do that, I've experienced it in an overwhelming way. It's that I don't want to go through anything as difficult as loosing a child again.. I want this baby in my arms.. I don't know the future and therefore if that will happen this time or not. Trusting God for everything doesn't mean to say that I'll find whatever I have to deal with easy, but that I can know there is a reason for everything and that God works everything together for the good of those who love Him (and that I most certainly do). Sometimes we are privileged enough to see what good and or purpose was/is in any given trial, other times we don't and have to wait until Glory to find out.

It is a hard thing for me to accept that this pregnancy is part and parcel of my grief process - I don't wish it to be that way - I wish I could go through this pregnancy with the innocence of not having lost a child - the joy that that innocence brings in pregnancy. I can't do that now though and I have to do what I can with the circumstances I have. I know that God is working to complete the good work He started in me and this phase of my life is part of that. (Philippians 1v6) I am thankful that I now can understand in a much better and deeper way other peoples pain and I am thankful when God chooses to use my experiences to help others. I obviously would never have chosen the path of loosing a child for my life and would love to have my sweet little boy with me here today, but I know he is in a far better place and God has blessed my life through my little boy's short life.

I am blessed

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you.
1 Peter 5v7


  1. Thank you Tamsyn for sharing your heart. I have been praying for you. And you look beautiful...just beautiful!

  2. I can only imagine the emotions you are going through, but your strength shines through in your words. I am praying for a happy, healthy remainder of your pregnancy and look forward to seeing the pictures when your lovely new baby is born.
    Best wishes xx

  3. Thank you both so much!! xx