Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Met in the Darkness

(For the first part of this story please click here to read.)

Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  
I will strengthen you. I will help you. 
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.  
Isaiah 41v10

After a long and difficult 3 weeks my wait was over.  My body was finally ready, at 14 weeks into the pregnancy, to deliver the baby who had died 4 1/2 weeks earlier.  I was so relieved the wait was finally over, but crushed and broken hearted that I would now have to deliver my dead baby.  The process was quite gentle to me physically, which was such an answer to prayer.  I've heard so many stories of how painful a miscarriage can be and I was so blessed to not go through horrendous agony.  I delivered my precious, tiny baby on the 23rd of November.  Alex and I held a private burial for our loved little one and lit a candle that stood in a little memorial we had made.  We then took the memorial into our living room where the children joined us.  We all sat around the memorial as a family and prayed.  God had a plan - for sure this was not what we had expected it to be, but we felt the love & peace of God with us.  It was very emotional, but beautiful in it's own way. Our little 4 year old Quinn asked to pray.  He said.. "there is only one thing I want to pray...  Dear God, please send another baby to mummy's tummy. Amen."  Alex and I took a brave look at each other, both welling with tears, both blessed by his and his brothers hearts at this sad time.

As a family we value all life no matter how briefly here.  We decided to give our baby a unisex name that gave some meaning to this chapter in our life.  We decided upon the name Eman (e.mun) which means 'faith'.  It seems that the story of little Eman's brief life on this earth was so well summed up by faith.  Because of our faith this child was conceived and in faith we trusted God with all our concerns and fears.  In faith we trusted God when He choose to take Eman home with Him, in faith we waited on the delivery, and in faith we know that God is working in this time in our lives for our good - 'for all things work together for the good of those who love God'. (Romans 8v28)

So with that said....  

In Loving Memory

Since the miscarriage was now over I had thought that I would be able to slowly get back to 'normal' life...  it wasn't to be though.  Little did I know that I was about to embark on a dark, lonely and overwhelmingly painful time. 

(please forgive me for the wordy detail below.. it was the only 
way I felt that I could describe how God came to my rescue)

 A few days after the miscarriage had occurred I had the most horrendous migraine I've ever had in my life.  I do not usually suffer with migraines (thankfully!!), but I've had a few in the past.  Some have sent me to bed to get through them, but the one on this day was absolute agony.  Thankfully it was a Sunday and I was able to spend almost all day in bed, in the dark, riding out each painful 'pound' one by one.  By the time night came it was easing off and I had every reason to believe that I would be fine the next day.  Migraines in the past have only lasted a few hours - 1/2 a day so I assumed it was nearly over and I just need to recover.  The next day my head still hurt and was still pounding.  It wasn't anything like as bad as the day before so I was able to cope, but getting back to the  home schooling as originally planned was not going to happen.  Monday came and went without saying good riddance to the horrible headache, but it did seem to be improving so I had hope that all would be well the next day.  Tuesday came and it was definitely improved, but not gone.  I managed some schooling, but not much.. something was better than nothing though right!  I was so relieved when evening came and with it came relief - the headache left me!  Thinking that the headache must have been down to hormones I figured my body had sorted itself out and that, after a few days delay, my life would now be able to get back to 'normal'. 

 It's a good job we don't know the future!  Wednesday came and so did the return of the migraine...  I was in a lot of pain again and feeling incredibly low.  Hubby had to be at work and I just didn't know how to keep coping...  I wanted someone to come and make it all better for me.  My heart was aching for the child I had just lost and my mind was frustrated that my health was preventing me from getting back on my feet.  My spirits fell to the floor.  

All the children were happily playing hide and seek together so I retreated to the kitchen and plopped myself down on the floor in a corner of the room... it was quieter in there.  A few tears rolled down my face and I began to pour my heart out to God.  "Father I feel so alone!  I'm in a lot of pain physically and emotionally and there is no one here for me.  I can't do this!  I need help!  I have nothing left to give!  I just want someone to come here and rescue me from this pit of despair.  Father... I need someone to be a physical Jesus to me!  Someone to walk in that door and take pity on me... someone to wrap me up in blankets and tell me it's going to be ok.  Ahhh, who am I kidding?  There's no one... no one can be my physical Jesus...  no one even knows I'm struggling through a migraine today and even if they did, who would come?  And even if someone did come, would I really want them to see me in this hideous state of self pity?  O Father!  It's hopeless... no one can be that physical Jesus I so desire.  Father... please give me Your strength to get me through the rest of this day... I can't do this without you.  Amen.  My spirit felt a bit better for talking with God.  I got up and managed to get through lunch.  

About 2 hours later a miracle arrived!  I was resting in the lounge and I heard the kitchen door open!  It was nearly 3 hours until my husband was supposed to be home and I almost froze in wonder and confusion as to who just let themselves into my house!  There was no speaking warning me of who was about to appear around the corner.  I began to walk toward the door and to my surprise, sheer delight and immense relief - it was my wonderful husband!  I started to cry from the relief that he was home and from the gratitude that was overflowing from my heart that God had answered my prayer to send me a physical Jesus... and not just anyone - the one human being on the planet that I can be completely comfortable being myself with... the one person I don't care if I look and feel a mess in front of (well in a situation like that anyway).  Poor Alex was rather surprised by my emotional greeting.  He didn't know how much I'd been struggling.  I asked him how come he was home and he told me that the boss, unbeknown to Alex, had asked all the other workers to come into work for 2am.  Due to their early start everyone else finished work at 1pm and Alex was told he could clean and chop fire wood for the afternoon if he wanted to stay and work or he could take the rest of the day off.  Since it had only been a week since the miscarriage, he wanted to come home for me.  
Wow!  Some of you may think this was just an amazing coincidence.. but we don't really believe in those - we call them God-incidences.  Alex sent me to bed and cooked dinner for me.  I felt so loved and so cared for by my God and by my husband.
So blessed!

This is not the end of how God showed Himself and His mercy to me that week though.  The next day the migraine became pretty much as bad as the one I'd suffered that first day back on the Sunday.  It was awful when I woke in the morning and progressed to horrendous.  I desperately wanted to call Alex home, this was not the sort of head pain I felt I could just 'suck it up' and get on with it.  I had 4 children to look after and feed and I felt it was going to be impossible to do that day.  Under normal circumstances I would have called Alex home, but I didn't feel I could because he had only just started a new job the week before.  After his first day he had to call in and say that I was having the miscarriage and he'd need to take a few days off.  4 working days later he went back and this was only his 3rd day back...  it just would have looked awful if I'd called him home... again!  I prayed for God's help and determined to give absolutely everything I had before calling him home.

I found myself to feel very emotionally strong and I got through breakfast and then up to Rosina's morning nap.  I then sat the boys down to a movie and told them to be extremely quiet, mummy had a hideous migraine and I needed to go to bed while Rosina slept.  I moved slowly and carefully to my bed (must have looked like I was 100 yrs old).  I didn't manage any sleep, but I was so glad to be able to just lie down.  Rosina slept well that morning (coincidence?) and it was 2.5 hours before I had to brave moving.

Half an hour before I heard Rosina stirring from her nap I wrote out a text to Alex telling him that I didn't think I could manage and needed him home.  I went to click send, but hesitated.  I told myself... 'just give it another half an hour'.  I put the text into draft.  I heard Rosina stir...  my every move was agony...  I pulled up the text and went to send it...  again I felt something stopping me.  'Just see if you can manage to get through lunch and then send if you need to', I told myself.  I prayed for God to give me His strength and, of course - He did.  Moment by moment, bit by bit I got through lunch and then somehow through the afternoon.  Time seemed to move slowly, but the children were good and God gave me an inner strength, that was so not mine, to be able endure the immense pain.  I simply had not had anything like this mental strength the day before.  5:35 finally rolled around, I was huddled up against a radiator in the boys bedroom trying not to move while Rosina pottered about.  When Alex found me he was mortified.  He didn't know I'd been in anything like this kind of pain and was upset that I'd not told him. His face turned almost as white as mine when he looked at me.  'a ghost who'd been punched in both eyes' is apparently what I looked like.  :S    I thanked God for giving me His strength to get me through so I didn't have to call Alex home...  it spoke powerfully to me (and Alex when I explained it to him).  If Alex hadn't been in a new job there would have been no question in me calling him home, but I would have then missed out on God's amazing provision for me that day.

Praise God for His mercies!

God hears our prayers.  He doesn't always answer them how we'd like - I wanted Him to heal me from the migraines (because I'm a wimp), but instead He came and met with me in my pain in an amazing way and provided for me.  2 different days...  2 different provisions - both so amazing and spoke powerfully into my heart.  He always give us what we need.  I'm so grateful to God for how He shows me how much He loves and cares for me.  He cares so much about every detail, every feeling, every pain!  He is my Saviour and my friend who never, ever lets me down.

Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. 
 Lamentations 3 v 23

If you made it this far - thank you for reading!  God Bless


  1. Sending hugs! God is amazing & the great Provider :0) Thank you for sharing your heart, Love always,Jxxx

  2. beautiful as always x

  3. your loving husband3 January 2012 at 21:35

    I am so proud of you, for your strength in our lord, and your commitment to give him all the glory. It is an honor to be your husband.