Monday, 13 June 2011

Behind closed doors

This will not be an easy post for me, but I feel a nagging in my heart that I should share the following.   

Lately life has been a real struggle for me - that is so not easy to admit.  
I like to pretend that I've got everything sorted and that I'm managing life with ease.  I like to pretend that I'm super mum with perfect hair and make up (haha who am I kidding), a perfect house and that I'm on top of all the washing, cleaning, cooking, teaching, tiding, ironing, gardening, organizing, researching, planning etc, etc.  In reality, most days.. I'm struggling to keep up with all of the above.  The reality is I'm lucky to have a shower in the morning let alone do my hair and make up.  The reality is that there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day or enough energy in my body to do my to do list. The reality is I get up in the morning ready to fight the day and 2 hours later I'm already loosing the battle. 

Overwhelmed says it all.  Every day feels like a failure.. every day another failed attempt.  I hate failing and I hate not meeting my expectations for myself.  I hate letting my kiddies down (even if they don't know it) or letting my hubby down.  Schooling the 3 boys (2 of which can't read yet) all on different grades, 1 yr apart, while looking after a crawling, into everything baby is far from the easiest task I've taken on.  There are days where my patience and energy are pushed beyond what I have.  
Days where I feel like I'm gasping for air.

The reason I have written this down, isn't because I wanted to whine about it or because I'm crying out for help, but because when I started this blog I wrote about walking together through the good and the bad.  The good or fun stuff is so easy to write about, but the hard things are really tough to share.  They're hard because they mean admitting that I'm struggling.. that my heart isn't in the right place, or my perspective is wrong.  It means admitting that I fail and sometimes miserably.  This post is about me admitting that I'm in a hard place right now... I don't feel it should be, but it is.  It's about trying to be okay with other people knowing more of the real me.. struggles and all.  It's about growing my character because at the end of the day that's what matters.  I heard it once said that your character is what you are behind closed doors and that your reputation is what you are out in the open.  I've mentioned before how I care far too much about what other people think and that is why this post is difficult for me, but I'm really trying to overcome this fear of man and so I guess this post is partly about that too.

I know that this time in my life is all part and parcel of God growing my character and my understanding of Him.  It's all part and parcel of that journey that He has so carefully mapped out for me to walk to equip me for the future.  He is moulding me as a potter moulds his clay or as a fire refines gold. 

At times like these I like to think about Paul's words of encouragement in Philippians 1v6: 

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.

This verse reminds me how faithful and gracious He is.

My heart is His and I know this time is for my good.  Knowing this doesn't make achieving my daily goals/tasks any easier, it doesn't necessarily mean I'll shed less tears, but it does give it all purpose and I know, as the author of Ecclesiastes writes - there is a season for all things... a time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance...

I will fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.  I will pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give me a mighty inner strength through His Holy Spirit.  I will face tomorrow ready to fight, ready to grow and trusting in Him to get me through.

Having said all the above I will just add one more thing and that is that I LOVE my job as mummy.  I feel so very blessed with the family I have.  I also love teaching my kiddies at home.. it's not easy right now, but I still love it.. I love watching them grow and develop and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I'm so, so thankful that I live in a country where I can freely choose to educate my children at home.


  1. I love you so much and I am so proud of you for sharing what was on your heart and mind. I know all too well how you feel and in comparison I have it so much easier. With half as many children, the eldest of which hasnt even started school yet and the youngest who is still thankfully mostly immobile, I still struggle almost every day. If I get dressed and make the bed, its an accomplishment. I too, feel ashamed of myself and my failures at times. Know that you are not alone in this and when I am having an especially difficult day, I will pray for you. Big hugs! Mary

  2. such good words for me to hear, Tamsyn - we all are struggling on this journey, and i have so many days of failing. i will pray for you to find strength and grace in the shelter of HIS wings. and i will be huddling under those wings as well, seeking HIS love to shine through this very weak vessel. much love to you, Tamsyn. love, Alli

  3. You have one of the hardest jobs on earth but also one of the most worthwhile. We nearly all feel inadequate at what we do but most of us don't have the courage to admit it. Keep at it He's worth it! (We think you doing it amazingly well!)

  4. Thank you for your honesty Tamsyn. It can't be easy to admit that you are struggling, but God has given you the grace to do so. I remember the difficulties of living with small children, loving them so much yet finding it so hard to be a good mother to them. Now look at me, in my sixties and the years have flown by so fast and there is so much I did not do that I regret deeply. But here we are living in the love of God and He knows it all. Bless you my dear! Enjoy your lovely family for they will be grown before you know it and I know that when you look back you will be satisfied that you gave all you could to your loved ones and nurtured them all in God's love. Be strong in the Lord for He is our refuge and our strength! (Is 26 v 2-3 These words keep me focussed!)Love Linda

  5. I feel that way too sometimes and I don't have 4 kiddies to run around after with no real break. So I think you're doing a great job and I'm very proud of you as my sister! It is a sign of God's working in your heart and maturity that you've been able to be open and post this as well, which should be a great encouragement in what God is doing through some of the challenges you're facing. As much as we dislike the challenges, they are the times we grow most. Will be praying for you, though. God gives strength when we are weak xx Demelza

  6. Ah Tamsyn, you are so NOT a failure, or failing your children. They are lovely children and you're great mum. But i understand you feeling overwhelmed, we all have those days, and i only have one child, so i can appreciate how much harder those days are for you. Stay strong :-)
    Much love S x

  7. Tamsyn, we as parents would be kidding ourselves if we said we didn't agree with all of what you've said. We are so blessed with our children and it is the best job on earth, but one of the hardest. Saying that, God has promised to give us strength in our weakeness, and none of us have all the answers. May you know His presence and don't let Satan use this to depress you or discourage you. You are a great Mum and have so many Godly attributes. Much love, Lynne x

  8. I am interested to know as to why you home school? I figured that you must do it for an important reason if it can be so stressful. It seems easier to send your children to school. You should do a blog as to why you've chosen your method.

  9. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" A verse that has helped me on so many occasions. It's just at those times when I reach a certain place and I feel like I am so weak that this verse pops into my head and I know that He is walking with me. You will look back on these days Tamsyn and wonder how you got through it all. You have been so brave to voice your concerns don't be afraid to ask for help we are all here for you. He WILL strengthen you in your weakness may His peace fill your heart Be blessed Hilary xxx

  10. Well done on being open, I know how hard that must have been for you. You are not alone, you have probably just admitted what most homeschooling Mums feel like (but don't like to admit). I know I certainly do, there are days when I would rather put my head under the pillow in the morning and deny the start of a new day yet like you I love what I do. You are an amazing wife, Mummy and friend, and an inspiration to me. God bless. Love you xx Karen