Silence in The Secret Place (a silent miscarriage)

I will hide beneath the shadow of Your wings

until this violent storm has past.

I cry out to God Most High,

to God who will fulfill His purpose for me.

Psalm 57v 1a-2

Life can take a sudden turn so quickly.  I had been looking forward to explaining to you all the reason my blog has been rather quiet lately is because I've been feeling so ill.  Ill with awful nausea and fatigue because God had blessed us with another little miracle growing in 'the secret place'.  I have been stripped of that joy though and instead write to tell you that our precious baby's spirit has left his/her body and gone to heaven to be with Jesus.  The baby's body still lies still within me and I do not know when the day of delivery will be.  I hope it will be soon.  My heart is broken for the loss of another child.


I was 11 weeks into the pregnancy when I saw, with my own eyes, my baby's chest with no movement.  The sonographer confirmed the baby was not alive and I sobbed and sobbed.  My heart felt as though it had been pulled out of my chest and crushed to bits.  My baby was no longer with me.  The painful memories it brought back of the loss we had 2 years ago with our dear son Uzziah... looking at the screen and knowing it was all over.  How could this be happening to me again; why is this happening to me again!?  I cried so hard on the journey home I gave myself a headache.  I didn't understand and there are no words to describe the pain.


I knew I was going to have to tell the children that the baby had died.  I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk through that conversation.  It filled me with great sorrow just thinking about it.  Of course the time had to come and it did...  God gave me the strength I needed.  I showed the boys the scan picture and told them that I had very sad news to tell them.  I said that our precoius baby had died and had gone to heaven.  Caden, my eldest, started to cry.  I explained that we don't know why but that we do know that God loves us and for some reason He has decided that this was what was best.  I told them it was okay to be sad and to cry.  At that Caden started to sob and I held him in my arms.  All the boys were so sad.  We managed to break a painful smile thinking about Uzziah and this baby being together and that we'd see them one day.


Later that day, at the boys bed time, little Quinn was praying and said, "God, please put the baby back in mummy's tummy!"  Such heartache to hear these words of grief from my 4 yr old.  In a similar act of expression, the next day Charlie came and gave me a cuddle.  He proceeded to stroke and kiss my tummy, perhaps out of habit.  He told me, "mummy I just kissed the baby", I replied that that was nice.  He then dropped his shoulders, tilted his head, sighed and asked... "mummy... why does a heart stop bleeping?"


Life is so precious and when it is taken from us, along with immense grief, there are often many questions.  I am finding that to be especially so with this loss and I think that that is perhaps because of how this little baby's story began.  Alex and I had thought after the birth of our last child back in Sept 2010 that that would probably be it for us.  I had had a difficult pregnancy and along with the grief we carried from Uzziah's pregnancy we both felt that we couldn't keep putting ourselves through more pregnancies.  Over the summer, however, Alex and I felt convicted that we were not being open to more children.  We did a lot of praying and a lot of studying.  The more we prayed about it the more we felt that God was leading us to have another baby.  We listened to God's calling on our life at that time and God blessed us with this pregnancy straight away.  I think because God asked us so specifically to have this child it makes it all the more difficult to accept and understand that He has taken the baby home.  It doesn't make sense in my simple little human brain.  How could this have been what God wanted us to go through?  How could this have been His plan?


"for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith Jehovah.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  Issiah 55 v 8-9


Several days before I learned that our baby had died God had reminded me of a verse that I haven't been able to get out of my mind all week - And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.  Romans 8v28
No matter how it feels to me now, seeing things through my eyes, God is working in my life for my good.  It the midst of my grief it is very hard for me to see how this outcome is what is best, but I know it is true because I know the Bible to be true.  I can trust God entirely and draw comfort from His promises. 


For He loves us with unfailing love; the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.   Praise the Lord!  Psalm 117v2


I do not know if God will answer me with why or for what purpose He has allowed us to suffer through this time, but in the midst of my grief this is what God told me Saturday morning - "Daughter, if you had not obeyed me, this precious child I sent to you would not have existed and therefore would not have eternity in heaven with me."  This utterly floored me and so deeply encouraged my heart.  Because of our obedience our child has an eternity with Christ which s/he would not have otherwise had.  We will meet this child one day and we will be able worship God together with him/her.  How precious to think of these things and how grievous to think that if we had not listened to God we would have denied this child eternity.

Please listen to this song

it is beautiful and speaks my heart.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty

This I declare of the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

He is my God, and I am trusting Him.

Psalm 91 v 1-2

Nutty Laundry!

With 4 energetic, playful, exploring and rather messy children it goes without saying that we get through many loads of laundry in our house.

I want to quickly tell you about an all natural and yet still very effective product that I use to do my many loads of laundry which I have been using for 3 years.

Soap Nuts!

God created a special nut that grows on trees and is perfect for washing.  It's chemical free (yay), washes really well (bigger yay!) and is cheap, cheap, cheap! (biggest yay)  

Pictured below is a small load of mine sloshing away - look at that lovely foam!

So what are soap nuts and where do I get them from?
I buy them on ebay.
Here's what one ebay seller says about them:
'A natural soap that very literally grows on trees. The Soapnut is a multi use detergent product, with no added chemicals. it helps relieve skin issues caused by standard laundry powders, such as eczema and rosacea. With the soapnuts being a natural product they are free from the toxic chemicals you would find in your standard laundry detergents.

Soapnuts are the product of the Ritha Tree (sapindus mukurossi), a rather lovely tree that grows very happily throughout Asia. The soapberry is the fruit of this tree and it defends itself naturally from bugs and whatnot by producing saponin within the fruit. This is jolly good stuff from our point of view as it is essentially a naturally occurring soap. The soapberries are collected from the tree and the seeds within removed. The outer part of the berry is then dried. This is the bit we call the soapnut.

With the soapnuts being a natural product they are free from the toxic chemicals you would find in your standard laundry detergents. Chemicals like Phosphates, Phenols, Sodium Sulphate, Ammonia, surfactants and artificial fragrances. All of these carry potential health risks which can include allergies, asthma, skin and eye irritation not to mention the damage that is caused when these items enter the water course, which is significant. Individually they can be quite dangerous enough but combined they really can be more harmful than you may have previously considered.

The production of soapnuts is a friendly one too, providing work which is not enormously skilled to local people. This of course gives an income to the local populace which of course is a good thing.

They are excellent value for money - giving up to 200 washes from a 500g bag.' 

Here is a link to their selling page - LINK

This seller sells the sticky kind which are better washers than the very dried out ones.  There many sellers on ebay to choose from, but be careful to get the sticky kind if you can.  I bought my last lot as a bulk order - cost me £30 and should be enough to last me about a year!  
This is the seller I used - Click Here 


Do I use anything with the soapnuts?
I do add soda crystals to a lot of my loads of washing which helps to soften the water....  it is good for the washing machine and gives a little extra boost to loads with some stubborn stains.  If you have a grease mark to deal with you should get the affected area wet and then rub in some washing up liquid (I use Ecover)  It is important to treat the grease spot before it's first wash for best results.

Why not give them a go?

For our eight years

For our anniversaries Alex and I like to follow the gift lists.  We don't care if it's from the modern list or the traditional, but it's fun to try and find something accordingly.  This year was pottery.  I ummed and erred about what to do this year... thought of doing a pottery class, but that was going to be a challenge since we had little Rosina.  In the end we decided on a custom designed, handmade fruit bowl.


We wanted the design to incorporate/signify the 8 yrs of marriage and we also wanted to somehow represent the 5 children.  This is what we came up with:

We had each of the children's names written inside of a star.. here you can see Caden and Uzziah's.  Each of our living children picked the colour they wanted their star to be (well except for Rosina who obviously had to have pink!).  :O)

I don't know if you can see in the centre of the bowl there is an abbreviation - I.W.B.H.  This is something that Alex and I write to each other often.  We leave the abbreviation in places where we know the other will find it.  The abbreviation stands for - 'I Will Be Here'.  The reason we adopted this abbreviation is because I sang that song to Alex on our wedding day.  It has special memories for us and we both enjoy reminding each other of our love for each other and our commitment to each other in this fun way.

Our anniversary was actually back in July, but our special bowl wasn't finished til mid August... next year we need to plan a little earlier me thinks!  Hand crafted pieces don't materialize in a matter of days!

Little Son

2 years!  Can it really have been that long?  

Time surely has gone fast.

2 years ago today I gave birth to my son Uzziah.  When his body entered this world, he was not there.  His body lay lifeless in my arms.  His spirit had left his little body and gone to dance with Jesus 3 days before.  I remember lying in the hospital bed just starring and starring at Uzziah's face trying to burn the image on my brain.  I wanted to remember that moment forever.  It is such a strange place to be in - holding your child, but knowing that this is it.. after today, no more cuddles, knowing that for all my days down on this earth this one day was it.  To say I wanted to savour every moment barely describes it.  It may have been 2 years, but my heart hurts like it was yesterday.  There is a Uzziah shaped hole in my heart, which I will carry with me all my days.

 You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56 v 8

I so enjoyed watching the boys today carefully making a picture to place at Uzziah's grave today.  They were really careful with what they were doing and wrote some sweet messages.  They may not have met their little brother, but the sure do love him!

We made our way down to the grave when Daddy got home from work.  We stopped by the shops for balloons and flowers.  We'd decided right from the beginning that we would visit Uzziah's grave every year on the day of his birth.  We decided that we wanted our whole family to remember him and what his life meant to us.  We decided that we wanted to visit the grave, not just to go where his body lies, but to give thanks to God for all He did for us during that time in our lives and for all He taught us.  We want to give thanks to God that Uzziah's life's mission was complete and he was able to go home to The Perfect Place.  We want to openly remember him, remember that his life had a purpose.  All my children are and always have been a great blessing and Uzziah is no different.  Of course from my perspective I'd rather have him here with me, but I know that God's plan is so much wiser and so much better than mine...  how could I argue with that?  Sometimes I'd love to know what God's ultimate purpose was in Uzziah's life, but it may be that I won't know that until I too reach The Perfect Place, and that's ok.  I do not need to know why God did not let me keep this precious boy, all I need to know is that He is faithful in all things and that He has a great plan, which I cannot see. 

He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.  Deuteronomy 32:4 

Daddy took some time to read God's Word from Romans
 encouraging us that we all have a purpose and to rejoice
in the purpose that God has made us for.

The pictures the boys did all protected in a
sealed sandwich bag.

We sent off a balloon to the skies

Here the boys and I watched the balloon float away for the last minute
or so before the balloon disappeared from our sight.

Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.  When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!  They will continue to grow stronger, and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.  Psalm 84 v 5-7

The Princess Turns One!

I know everyone says this, but my goodness this little girls 1st birthday has come around SO fast!  It feels so unreal that this time a whole year ago I was in full blown labour and waiting for that amazing moment when I'd see my baby's face for the first time!  And what a beautiful face it was when that moment did finally arrive:

Rosina's older brothers just couldn't have been any happier with their new baby sister!  :O)

So here we are a year later!

Our morning began with a pile of pressies on the living room floor.  We stacked all the wrapped pressies all around a ride on car, which we'd purchased from Ebay (for £5!!), as it was not wrapped up. There was no fooling Rosina though as the first thing she did when she was put on the floor was hurridly move/throw all the wrapped presents out of the way so she could discover the item hidden underneath.  As you can quite clearly see from the pictures... she was rather chuffed with her new toy!  lol

She was also very impressed with her very girly chair..... a chair just for Rosina!  Thanks Nanny!  :O) 

We bought for her, as her main pressie, a personalised rag doll.  Pictured below is her giving her new play mate a big wet kiss. Rosina's kisses involve coming at the receiver with a big open mouth and planting that open mouth on the receivers cheek or mouth and holding that position for a few seconds. lt's very cute, although it does appear as though she's going to take a big chunk out of the receivers cheek! hehe

The writing on the dolls dress reads: 'I BELONG TO ROSINA'

And here's my little princess in her party dress waiting for all her little friends to arrive!  She loved playing with the balloons.  She would very carefully find the knot and then wave the balloon around like a mad thing!  Was very cute!  :O) 

And lastly the official birthday picture.....

My 1yr old and her cake! 

You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.  1 Peter 3v4  This verse was Rosina's dedication verse

Happy Birthday my precious little one.  You have brought so much joy into our lives and we're so glad you're here.  This last year has been amazing and we couldn't imagine life without you.  Your smiles and giggles are enough to cheer even the gloomiest of days.  One of my favourite things to do is to watch one of your brothers playing with you and see you both laughing away.  Peek a boo is a good one for this!  You are a great, great blessing, as are all your brothers.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.  Psalm 127v3

Story Telling Thursday WINNER!

A big thank you to all our readers who voted - we're delighted to say that we broke our record with a total of 31 votes!   :O)

Now to reveal the authors of last weeks stories, 

total votes received and declare the winner!

It Wasn't Me

Story A - written by Caden = 13 votes

Story B - written by Quinn = 9 votes

Story C - written by Charlie = 9 votes

A big congratulations to our winning author of the week: 

CADEN!

Thanks again to all those who voted it is such an encouragement to the boys!

Come back next week for more stories with a title from one of our readers:

The Mysterious Parcel - with thanks to Omi

a year later and.... IT'S FINISHED!!

I've always been a fan of crafts and making things for my children.  13 months ago I embarked on a x-stitch journey - a personalised Christmas stocking for Caden.  I will, over the years, being doing one for each of my children.  Here is a picture story of my journey with it:

WEEK 2

WEEK 6

WEEK 9

Baby came along so MANY weeks
(actually many months) later.

Stitching finished!  :O)

 Now to make it into a stocking..  first of all I cut around 

the edges to about a 1" seam, but leaving the top uncut. 

 After I had cut out the x-stitch I used it as a template to cut out the felt backing.  Then I pinned the two together and sewed it all up with my sewing machine.

It was a rather scary moment after a years

worth of work!  Was a bit worried trusting myself.

 Next I trimmed the seam down to 1/4" and then

turned it the right way out.  This was an exciting moment.

Next job was to iron.

And lastly...  the tassel needed to be made and added.

And here it is, the finished product!

Songs by a 7 yr old

For those of our children that are old enough we give them a special notebook to take to bed to write and draw in.  They come up with some fantastic things and tonight was no exception.  Caden has written 2 songs, which are just so sweet I felt I had to share:

God is Good

God is good

God is good

Yes He is

God is perfect

Yes He is

God is the bestest

Yes He is

God is caring

Yes He is

God is powerful

Yes He is

and....

The Bestest Person

Who's the bestest?

You, You are the bestest.

G-O-D is God, the bestest!

You are the bestest

You are the bestest

Devotional time - do you struggle?

I don't know about you, but for me, there are days when spending time in The Word is such a challenge.  It's not that I don't want to or that there isn't enough time (we can always make enough time for what's most important to us), it's that the time I have is at a difficult time.  When I wake up in the morning I'm straight into the duty's of motherhood - no moments of peace and quiet to tuck into the Bible before my day starts.  I can quickly read a verse or two for meditation and get my mind focused - the Proverbs or Psalms are great for this, but no time for a 'proper' devotional time.  I find that my opportunity comes in the evening when the kiddies are all tucked up in bed. I can then quietly unwind with a cup of tea and my precious Bible.  This works nicely for me, however, I'd be lying if I said that I always felt up to it.  Sometimes, after a long tiring day, the thought of getting my mind in gear and reading feels like too much, requiring more energy then I have left.  It's tempting to just put on the TV and 'vegetate', but that's such a waste of time and I'm certainly not going to grow spiritually by doing such things.


The church I attend recommended something that helps me with the days when reading is a challenge. The days I've gone so past tired that I just want to 'vegetate'.  The Bible Society have put in the hours and have available on-line the New Testament in audio.  It is 'performed' by professional actors from Salt Mine and I have to say it is absolutely excellent. The Bibles comes to life with all the different male and female voices....  AND it's free!  So, if you struggle (for whatever reason) to get a good amount of The Word in, then why not give it a try?  It is organised into 40 days of readings, 25-35 mins each (the whole NT in 40 days... wow!).  You can listen to it on-line via streaming or you can download it onto your computer and then you'll have the option to burn it to cd - perhaps useful for car journeys?


Go and grab that cuppa (and bickie), click play , sit back in the sofa and relax listening to the most powerful book ever written.   Soak it up and grow.

 I have been so blessed by this tool.  I hope it blesses you too.

 Click here:  Bible Society - YOU'VE GOT THE TIME 

Story Telling Thursday

The winning title for this weeks stories is from Becky:  

It Wasn't Me!

A)     One day there was a little girl called Leah and she went to school.  At school she accidentally kicked Christie while they were playing football.  Leah was nervous and she said "it wasn't me!"  There was another girl next to Christie, who'd been hurt, so Christie thought it was her.  She said, "did you just kick me?" "it wasn't me" said the girl.  Christie then went to the teacher and said that she'd been kicked.  The teacher asked for the two girls to be brought to her.  The teacher asked "who kicked Christie?" Both girls said "it wasn't me".  The teacher thought and thought and then had an idea. She put on some rocket boots and gave some to the girls and they flew to a magical land.  They walked around and they saw a shop.  Then went in the shop.  The problem was that when they got into the shop they disappeared back to where they were.  Then Leah noticed something very strange... she felt dizzy.  Then the teacher said "it was you Leah, you are the one who lied.  I know it was you because  the one who came back from the magical land feeling dizzy is the one who lied.  Leah then said sorry to Christie and Christie forgave Leah.     THE END

B)    One day there was a new house built for 2 brothers called Samuel and Andrew.  The house was built really strong by their dad because they had some concrete.  The brothers play in the new lounge.  Then it was time to go and buy a talking crocodile, it's a teddy and has a red button on it to talk. Then Andrew did some drawing and then played on the leapster explorer.  Then the postman came with a letter and the letter said 'you need to have a blood test'.  So they got in the car and drove to have the blood test done.  He hoped it would be so quick so he told the lady to be quick.  3 grown ups named, Builder, Yes Sir and Lady Boots also had to have a blood test.  They all got a plaster and a sticker because they were really good, super good.  Then Andrew went home.  Andrew went to his teddies and found his monkey had lost his leg!  Then they heard a noise and it said, "it wasn't me!" The crocodile said it.  Then they heard another noise it said, "hello".  It was 6 elephants.  Then he heard another noise, it was 9 frogs saying "you can go!"  Then Andrew left.  Then the frogs said, "you've got to stop because there are people walking on the road.   THE END

C)      It was a sunny day and James hit his brother named John.  Then John told his mummy that James had hit him.  Mummy called James. "I'm coming Mummy".  Then Mummy said,  "did you hit John?" James said, "no, no it wasn't me!"  The Mummy said "it was you James because there was only 2 people and John has a bump on his forehead."  James said "sorry" and kissed it better.

THE END

VOTING:

Help us smash our record of 28 votes!

Please tick the appropriate box below: 

(please only 1 vote per reader)

Tick box 'like' for story A

Tick box 'interesting' for story B

Tick box 'inspiring' for story C

Authors and Winner revealed next week.